Angrily she intently stared at her abuser. Enraged she battled the desire to inflict harm on his already fragile body.
Briefly her mind reflected on the days that she was the apple of his eye and to her he could do no harm. But, all of that changed the moment he allowed perversion to corrupt and coerce him into doing the unspeakable.
“Don’t speak…Don’t tell a soul”, are the words he uttered, that inevitably stole her ability to be true to herself and those around her. Once a vibrant outspoken young lady, but now a silent sealed off person, who is afraid to trust, to love, to dream, to forgive.
Consumed by anger she could barely handle the pain that swelled in her core. Choking back tears she refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing her break down. But blinded by hate she failed to realize that because of heavy sedation he was unaware of her presence in the first place.
Having not seen him for the past 10 years, she didn’t know what an encounter with him would be like. Over and over she replayed the moment that she would be able to let him have it. To tell him how he destroyed her life and sent her down a path of self destruction.
Insisting that if there is a possibility that he can hear her, she refused to let this moment slip by, so she released a murderous assault of words on him.
“I hate you! I hate you with every fiber of my being! You destroyed my life and the hopes of me ever being happy. You killed my dreams, my spirit and my potential. Because of you I have lived through a whirlwind of abuse, drugs and loneliness. What did I ever do to deserve what you did to me? I hate you! I hope you die!” Howling from the pit of her soul, she lashed out.
Having released her anger she stood and before she could think or say anything else, she realized that no longer was it he that she was standing in front of, but before is the gates of Heaven.
Being ushered in by two very beautiful and statuesque angels, she found herself in the middle of her father’s life. Unable to interact or be heard, she could only spectate. She witnessed him being physically and verbally abused by both his mother and step father. She observed him being tormented by bullies throughout his adolescence. She bared witness to the moments he felt most tormented by his debilitating mental illness. She had an eye witness account of him drinking until passing out, as he battled the realization of what he’d done to her.
Then without notice she now found herself thrust in the middle of her own story. As her story began a voice still and small whispered into her ear, “You thought that you were alone, unlovable and destined for failure, but I need you to understand that because I love you so intensely and without conditions and because I know the end of your story, I have always been right by your side and at moments even carrying you.”
The story began…. She visualized the days and nights that she was having sex with all types of men and many times not using protection. “You see I covered you because that last guy you had unprotected sex with, had HIV.”
She caught glimpse of the time she was shooting up and passed out. “Who is that man standing over me?” She asked
“That was the death angel. You were supposed to die that night, because not only was those drugs laced with poison but you were in such a hurry that you shot a large air bubble into your vein.”
She pictured the night that she went to the club and made it out before the shoot out began. “What about that night? A stray bullet hit me in my arm.”
And he replied, “Had you remained there moments longer, a bullet instead would have penetrated your heart.”
She envisioned the time that she needed feminine products and made her way to the drugstore, where she ended up stealing them.
“You were on probation and had you been caught, you would still be in jail.”
She caught sight of the time that she was texting and driving and collided with a van that was filled with a family.
“Not only did you make it out unscathed, but so did they.”
She reflected on the day that she was evicted from her apartment, which was days before she was to get paid.
“Do you believe that it was some coincidence that your friends parents had a rental property available, that still had running water and electricity? They allowed you to move in, knowing that it would be at least a few days before you could give them even a portion of the money that they ordinarily rent their property out for.
She recalled few days back, she was sitting in the break room at her job and had no lunch because she had just run out of food and money the night before. She fully planned to make her way to the food bank after work, but as she sat there trying not to stare at the her co-workers as they ate there lunch, the supervisor announced that due to good productivity, pizza was on the way and not only that but because her rate of production was so high, the company blessed her with a $250.00 visa gift card.
His presence now surrounding her she fell to her knees. Overwhelmed and full of emotion, “God I’m so very sorry. All of this time I believed that you hated me.”
Lovingly he spoke, “I have always….always loved you! It is true, you have turned away from me many times and that hurt me deeply, but I knew that it would only be a matter of time before you would turn back. I see your heart! I have great plans for you.”
“But God I’m all used up.”
“No you aren’t, what you are is usable. I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. If you would just relinquish your will and accept my will as your own, your life will forever be changed.”
“But how can you ever forgive me?”
“I forgave you long ago, you just hadn’t forgiven your father and yourself. Forgiveness is freedom and once you take whole of that, you will acquire my peace and my joy. No matter how angry you are at your father, you are only hurting yourself as you attempt to linger in bitterness and unforgiveness. I am God and though my son knowingly paid the ultimate price of giving his life for a people who would time and time again forsake, deny and abandon him, I would offer him all over again and because he loves ALL of you so much, again he would willingly lay himself down so that you would have the opportunity to dwell with us. Now that’s forgiveness.”
Then before she could speak another word she found herself back in the hospital room and still lying there was her father. Inhaling she leaned in and whispered in his ear, “Daddy….I forgive you!” and as she stood she caught glimpse of a tear streaming down his cheek.
Note from the author: I would like to share something with you, I have not mastered forgiveness. At times the pain that accompanies unforgiveness is so intense that I just want to abandon it all. And when I say it all, I mean just that, my friends, my faith, my family, my life. But I’m realizing that there truly is freedom in forgiveness. It is important that you understand that in order to effectively and whollistically live out your purpose, you must let go. Forgiveness is just as important for you, the forgiver, as it it for the one being forgiven. Forgiveness takes commitment and an openness to the freedom and healing that comes with it. So if you find that you are battling with unforgiveness, pray a prayer something like this:
Father, I humbly come before you seeking your forgiveness. I ask that you forgive me of my sins, be it words, acts or thoughts. I ask that you Forgive me for those things that I knowingly and unknowingly committed against you and you word. Father, I have attempted to cure myself of those things that ail me and have held me captive, but I realize that I don’t have enough strength within myself to do it alone. I have become imprisoned by unforgiveness. I have lent my destiny to unforgiveness, but now I want it back. I believe that there is power in the Name of Jesus and I call on you, saying…Jesus, I need your help! I ask for, believe in and accept that you’re healing me, redirecting my path and restoring my future. According to Psalms 16:11, I declare that in your presence I have fullness of joy. Lord according to Isaiah 61:3, you promise to exchange with me a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, a festive praise instead of despair. So Father, I exchange pain for peace, sorrow for joy and unforgiveness for forgiveness. Thank you in advance for healing, deliverance, peace, joy and your will for my life. I ask these things in Jesus’s Name Amen!