Day after day she diligently hunted for ways to sooth the sting of pain that devoured the very essence of her being. Just as a lion in pursuit of it’s prey, she persistently hunted the tracks of her next fix. Often finding herself in both vulnerable and unsafe situations, but being persuaded by the command of that first taste, she became imprisoned by her own initiation. Now completely indebted to her addiction, she finds that the losing of her life may be the only repayment that will suffice. Moments in time seem to waste by and the addiction that once appealed to her has began to lose its vigor. The craving that in times past seemed exciting commenced to being less tempting. Devastated by the truth of what she has become, she realizes that she has to make a choice. A choice that to some may be one that is easy, but to herself, would prove to be somewhat of a challenge. The challenge not being that of wanting to continue in a swift spiral downward, but the fear of confronting the truth behind what drove her to her addiction in the first place.
Restless she makes her way to the kitchen table. She takes a seat, her hands then landing on her head in a crown like manner Her thoughts now racing and each one forcibly sprinting to the forefront of her mind. The voices of her multiple personalities piercing each corner of her brain. Cognizant of every emotion she yells in an effort to calm this moment that is proving to be more than she can take. Images of her life become a featured film that’s flashing before her eyes. She caught sight of herself as a little girl, now abandoned by her father and being rejected by her drug addicted mother. She reflects on the times that she had to play the touching game with the buggy man, her skin crawls as she lives through the moment that he placed his fingers inside of her and whispered “I love you, don’t tell.” She flinches as she remembers her exes fist making it’s way towards her face. She attempts but fails to ignore the harsh words that was spoken to her, the degrading names that would in time become the identity that she’d accept. She release’s the intense sound of agony as she recalls the anguish that she felt when she miscarried her child. She dredged up the feelings that she had the first time she snorted cocaine. She considered how she felt after she lay on the table aborting her baby. She takes into account the times that she went on stealing sprees. She reminisces on the times that she attempted suicide. Finally, she concludes that she’s worthless, unlovable, deserving of every ounce of pain that she has had to endure and not fit to live.
She then abruptly pushes away from the table and stands, but the distress of everything that she has been through weighs her down and she drops to the floor. Now laying there in a pool of tears, she bellowed out a wail full of pain. Almost speechless she could utter one word only,”Why?” She sobbed “Why?” Paralyzed by grief she remained positioned on the floor. Weeping until exhausted and at the edge of sleep, but then…….
Laying there she is awakened by an enfolding. Slowly she situates herself in an upward position and immediately becomes wrapped up in warmth, joy, and peace. Seeing no one, but feeling enveloped in love, tears began to stream down her cheeks. An overwhelming sense of safety feels the atmosphere and the brokenness that consumed her in prior moments, is now feeling the tender caress of healing. Her empty soul flickered rays of hope and her once downtrodden spirit is experiencing a rejuvenation. She inhales the freshness of the atmosphere and just then he spoke in a still small voice, “I Love You! You mean everything to me and you could never do anything that would make me feel otherwise. I forgive you! LIVE!”
The narrative that you have just read is that of mine, as well as, that of millions of people around the world. Many of us have found ourselves in extremely low places, what we would consider to be unlovable places. But GOD told me to tell you that, “No matter what you’ve done and what you’ve been through, at this very moment it is all apart of your PAST so…….Live!”